My boyfriend is killing me

Nej, rubriken är inte sann, den är mest där för att Robyn är grym. En annan som är grym är Anton, som det här inlägget är handlar om, på förfrågan av "hemlig beundrare". Grym är han för att han krossar mig i schack, bland annat.

Förutom att vara grym är han lika from som jungfru Maria, eller försöker åtminstone:

Även om rubriken inte stämmer är det sant att det vissa dagar känns som att jag skulle dö om jag inte träffade honom. Mitt hjärta bultar rätt hårt för den här mannen. (Jag känner mig mest som kvinna, så det vore ju lite underligt om jag hade en pojke till pojkvän. Tror att jag lägger av med hela den här manboy-grejen, så att han fattar att jag faktiskt inte vill ha Erik Saade...)


Day 21 – Another moment

Doing everything just like I use to every morning, except I'm this time putting all my belongings in three suit cases. I put an envelope with a letter on the bed that will no longer be "mine" and I go out on the street together with my host mother Cristina and her daughter Paula. The taxi that will take me to school is already there waiting, so we say goodbye real quickly with kisses and hugs. I guess Paula has no idea of the fact that I'm going away for good, she just looks kind of slumbery and dazed. The moment that I get into the taxi I burst into tears.

Actually, I cannot write this without crying. I'm not sure how I fell in love with three Spanish in a couple of months, but I miss them like crazy. I had no idea I could love a child that wasn't my own so much that it would hurt.

Day 20 – This month

It's really hard summarizing a month like this, but I'll tell you about some of the things that I've been doing.

I spent one day and one night in Stockholm, with Gabbi, visiting our dear friend Björk.

One night I and my friends decided to cook an Irish dinner to celebrate St Patrick's Day. After two trips to the store and a couple of hours of cooking we finally ate a tasty stew.

Another night I had dinner with my brothers and cut both of their hair.

I have also spent some time with this amiable boy/manboy/man. Among other things we've seen Black Swan, a film that I would strongly recommend! Not for the faint-hearted though...

This afternoon I went out jogging, the same route that I ran last Sunday, and all these spots that were three days ago covered with snow and ice were now bare! I just love the feeling of an approaching spring. I understand the expression "full of the joys of spring" completely.

Also, this evening, I baked some oat cookies with cranberries and sunflower seeds. They were delicious!

In about a week March will change into April and then comes the Easter holiday. Time flies, and yes, I feel old saying it, but that's how it is. I have a lot of rehearsals with my choir until the show and I believe I will only get more tasks in school. In other words, I will not lack things to do, but they are mostly fun. Also, I'm really looking forward to summer, although I don't have much of an idea of how this summer will turn out yet.

Day 19 – Something you regret

I'm changing this blog post to "some things you regret".

I regret not doing things because I was too shy, I regret kissing people I didn't have any feelings for, I regret all those times punching or pinching my brothers and I regret killing a frog when I was too young to understand what I was doing (I'm clearly traumatized by the event since I can still remember hitting it with a clog and wondering why it stopped moving...).

Mostly I regret my regrets.

Day 18 – Your favourite birthday

I'm not really that much for birthdays, at least not my own. When I was little I guess that the charm lied in having all eyes on me and getting presents, but now I feel birthdays are like any other days. They can be very pleasant of course, but I just don't have those sky-high expectations anymore. There is always something making them less than perfect. For instance, I had a very fun birthday party when I turned 7 or 8, but what ruined it was a pentathlon where my brother put black pepper in a bowl of flour with lumps of sugar that I was supposed to dig up with my mouth. I'm sure you can imagine the feeling in my eyes and nose when I dug in with my face...

Another example is that of last year, when I had a lovely celebration with some friends, kind of a combined birthday party and a farewell party since I was going to Madrid shortly after that. I had a great time, but I partly ruined it for myself by thinking of this one person who didn't show up and being full of melancholy because of my departure about a week later.

This is a picture taken on my second birthday. I have been looking through all these child photos, and found this one kind of funny, since I have a patch in my forehead which shows that I have always been good at unwarily hurting myself. Nowadays, I get my scars through jogging and mountain climbing, back then I got them by playing lively.

Colour my life with the chaos and trouble

Nej, jag syftar verkligen inte till att visa upp mina stridsärr efter en joggingtur som skulle varit 7km lång, men blev 2m på grund av en isfläck. Jag vill inte berätta om hur ont jag har, och jag har inte alls skrämt upp folk med att säga att jag sitter och förblöder. Jag är inte alls en attention-whore idag. Det förstår ni väl?

With a heart on fire, everything works out fine

Minst en av mina vänner kommer förmodligen att döda mig för det här, andra jubla. Hur som helst, idag gick jag till frisören, och reslutatet visas på en bild här under (mest tillägnat Björk Mirjamsdotter). Ni får ursäkta det faktum att bilden är tagen i en något smutsig badrumsspegel...

I keep you on my mind both day and night

Tage Danielsson, en genialisk man, om kärnkraft.

It’s freezing out here on the pavement, but in your arms it’s heaven

En ovanligt solig eftermiddag i mars begav jag och Gabbi oss till Stockholm, för att hälsa på vår fina vän Björk. Vi åt en himla massa pastasallad, godis och chips, vi smälte ett durkslag på spisen och fyllde Björks lägenhet med plastdoft och rök och vi vandrade runt söder och åt lunch vid vattnet. Lite sånt man gör. Ett fint dygn! Men hur skulle det kunna bli annat, å andra sidan?

(Det var mindre allvarligt då den sista bilden togs än det ser ut, mest skrattigt och kramigt faktiskt. Björk ser dock ut sådär när en kamera plockas fram. I nästa ögonblick gömmer hon sig. Toka! Fina tjej.)

Day 17 - Your favourite memory

Sometimes I feel like this senile old woman, who has forgotten everything she has ever done. That's how it is right now.

I'm not sure that I can choose one and only one memory being my favourite, but instead I can tell you about the earliest memory I can recall. It's that of sitting on a chair in my cousins' hallway, wearing a pretty dark blue dress with flowers and dangling my legs, which were far from the floor. I was waiting for my mother to put on my shoes, and that's about it.

I don't know the reason why I remember it, but I like it, since it reminds me of that time when in a moment my only thought was that one of shoes being put on my feet. What I'm saying is, in an other way, I was light-hearted. I had nothing to trouble me and there are times when I long for it to be the same way again. I mean, not being about two years old, but being that untroubled.

Day 16 – Your first kiss

I guess you're not looking for those kisses when I was six years old. My first real kiss was from a stranger who said he loved me. Now I find it mostly amusing, but in that moment I thought that it was kind of beautiful.

Day 15 – Your dreams

When I was a small child I used to dream of being a singer on a big stage, preferably in a musical. I also used to dream that I would work at a dolphinarium.

Today, like so many days, I'm dreaming of summer heat. I dream of that feeling of being completely content that rarely comes along.

By night I dream of huge spiders like the ones that I've found in my cellar room and bathroom. Sometimes they are even bigger, pink and have wings.  

Furthermore, I dream of simply becoming satisfied with the life that I've lived. I hope that I'll one day look back at life and think that I've accomplished something, and if not having done all the things that I want to do at least some of them. Enough to be content. Having travelled and seen the world, having had children and raised them well and having been able to help people in some way. Oh, why does everything sound so cliché?

Day 14 - What you wore today

This is what it looks like if your background is a door that won't stay shut and your photographer is your mum forcing you to laugh. 

A body from KappAhl
A pair of black jeans
A pair of shoes from Sko August, to hide the fact that I'm wearing raindeer socks

Jag gömde mina drömmar precis där din axel blev till hals

Jag börjar fyllas av vårkänslor. Att lyssna på sommarspellistor och längta till festival och bad är ganska så oundvikligt, men jag börjar trots det känna mig tillfreds med att vara där jag är nu. Jag lyssnar till knastret under mina fötter när isen brister och till fågelsången. Jag går och nynnar och håller en väldigt fin hand och jag ler. 

Dessutom har jag haft en förunderligt produktiv söndag för ovanlighetens skull. Jag har mejlat in cv och diverse intyg till ett ålderdomshem, pluggat både spanska och kemi samt sprungit 7km i solljus.

Det är härligt att vara positiv efter ett himla massa mörker. Mmmm. 

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